an event that changed my life

An Event That Changed My Life Forever

When I was sixteen I tried to commit suicide. I was depressed and had a lot of bad things happen to me and I was thinking to leave it all. One day things came to a head and I blew. I went through my parents things looking to find a gun. Well I found two hand guns. One was a 22 caliber, and one was a 25 caliber. Now these were collectable hand guns and at this time I didn’t know anything about guns, just that they made a mess, hurt people, and work. Well I knew this from the movies. I hid them in my shoes and carried them down the stairs to my room. I put them in my bag for school in the morning.

I wasn’t supposed to be at school because I was suspended for arguing with the dean of students. I explained to him that I was cutting class to help a friend because she wanted to die. He said I was a trouble maker and over reacting. Little did he know she was me and I didn’t have any friends to help me. Although I told a lot of people I was going to, none took me seriously. They weren’t really friends anyway. So at that time I was sent home for 3 days, and I went home, and before the 3 days was up I got back on the school bus with the guns, went to school, and went to the quarries behind the school.

While on the school bus I talked to a girl who I thought to be my best friend. She had gone through similar things and wanted the same thing, to die. Well I asked her, and showed the guns to her, and she said ok lets do it. Well we continued to the quarries together and we picked a spot to shoot ourselves. We sat down and talked for a few minutes about it all and had memories, a lot of tears, and then I told her that just the night before I was talking with her mom and she said, “I’m worried about my daughter and you are her friend. Please help her for me. I love her and need my Jelly Bean back.” Well this made her cry more and I said, “You have a lot to stick around for, so you should. Don’t do it. I don’t have anything, I have a reason.” So she said ok and left. She was gone for 2 minutes and in this time I said a prayer to God. I said, “God please forgive me. I know this is wrong, but I can’t take it anymore. All I had is gone, I’m alone, and I can’t seem to pick myself back up from the void in my heart and in my life.

So at this time I loaded the first gun and pulled the trigger. It wouldn’t blow, I was confused. Can’t even kill myself right, among other things. So I put it down and picked up the other gun and loaded it, put it to my chest and aimed upward to my heart. Well this time it went off, “Bang,” through my whole body it exploded and shook the earth. I flew back and was out. I re-awoke and found myself lying in a flat position, hearing things magnified, and seeing a white light. Everything was running through my body. The bullet hit my spine, shattered my spine and bounced off causing it to still blow a hole through all my internal organs. Well I had holes all over inside me. This caused internal bleeding and my blood was chocking me inside. I had on external bleeding. I tried to sit up but from my breasts down I couldn’t move. I drug myself across the ground from out of the mining cart, onto the ground and after that I couldn’t get any further. It was like 5 feet. Realizing I wasn’t going anywhere and I would be stuck there like this forever, and someone might come along and hurt me, or whatever, like it would’ve mattered at this point, I screamed for help, “Come back, Jolene come back, help,” but no use, at 3 screams I lost my voice and that was it.
I knew I was gone. I died, “OMG, what now.” Okay, I was dead for a little bit, but it would seem that she heard me, and came and seen and tried to take me with her, but couldn’t, so she ran for help. By the time they got there I was gone and the ambulance had to revive me. I really died, and it was so weird and unexplainable, never really knew life after death was like that. There is a whole other world, but that is a different story for another day.

After the ambulance brought me back to life, I was operated on at the hospital. They had to do back to back surgery. It’s never done on teens, because it is dangerous. I had stomach and back surgery. They went in and put a plastic peace in my spine to hold it together. Then they went in and sewed all my internal organs up. When they started me into surgery I was brought through the doors screaming and fighting. Everyone around said I fought the staff, and the tubes that were put in me I jerked them back out. They had to strap me down and put them back in. They kept the bullet and my clothes, it was weird, but good for one thing, I’ll never do it again. I don’t have them now of course. When surgery was done I was never supposed to walk again. I was paralyzed from the waist down. I was paraplegic. I was in intensive care for two weeks, then moved to rehab floor. By the time I was able to understand anything people had been round the clock with me 24’7.

The newspapers were rolling, the school teens were going crazy, and they started a program at school for suicide awareness. Millions of prayers went out, and I was saved. I didn’t care if I ever walked again, only that I was alive and with my family. But the road ahead was going to be hell for all not just me. I had destroyed hearts and homes everywhere, and pain in the souls of many was scared for life. My family spent the next year of their life and mine trying to help me get it back together, to do things. Well they had to drop their whole life to fix me, and I was a wreck. After 2 years I walked with a walker and canes, and still needed the wheel chair.

After 9 years I am still here, doing well. I am walking, driving, doing things I never would have done if I still was normal. Maybe one good thing came from this pain, a better life for all around. I am a better person today than I ever would have been if I still was without a disability. I’m super woman. God gave me my life back. I can do anything, and I want to do it all and make my life better everyday everyway, and inspire everyone possible on the way. Give back where I was blessed and the love that was shared I want to give and make many smiles, lots of joy and peace. The greatest serenity comes from the service you give to others in love. Keep it moving. 101

God Bless