What is LONELINESS? It is not about being on your own.
What is LONELINESS? It is not about being on your own.
Many people enjoy being on their own and would choose this for themselves for at lest part of the time. They enjoy having their own space. They do not feel the need to have other people around all of the time to validate them or make them feel more comfortable.
If someone experiences feelings of LONELINESS; it is usually not influenced solely by where they are or whether other people are around. It is possible to be in a room full of people and still feel very much ALONE. You can be part of a social gathering and feel LONELY as you are on the periphery and not fully involved with what is going on.
This suggests that LONELINESS is a state of mind. It is tied up with how you feel about yourself. When we have a low self esteem, we have a choice about whether to change this or not. The prospect of change can be daunting. The challenge of embracing this is however very worthwhile, with rewards not only in terms of how you feel bout yourself but also in the quality of your life.
The first task in changing our self esteem is to alter the way in which we view ourselves.
1.Instead of bombarding ourselves with an onslaught of negative comments, try to focus on the more positive aspects about yourself. This could include, PHYSICAL, PRACTICAL, PERSONAL, EMOTIONAL, ATTRIBUTES or things you are good at, PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS..
2. Try asking members of your family, colleagues, friends, how they would describe you. This may reveal a number of POSITIVE statements about you which are surprising and / or uplifting. (Note of caution, choose wisely!)
3. Write down POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself
4 .Pay more attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you are aware of these being critical, try challenging them or using THOUGHT STOPPING TECHNIQUES
5. Practise seeing yourself in particular situations when you feel CONFIDENT and good about who you are and the circumstances you are in. you are feeling comfortable. Feedback from others is POSITIVE. People are paying attention to you. You are maintaining good eye contact .Feed as much information into this exercise as possible. Pay attention to your body language and how you converse. Make sure you CHOOSE clothes to make the most of your physical attributes and feel CONFIDENT in them. Do you feel better wearing make up and perfume? Remember how it feels to have a stronger sense of SELF WORTH, to get POSITIVE FEEDBACK from others and from your own reaction.
6. You can proceed to use the lessons learnt from this exercise to go into the situation for real. You can enter it from a more CONFIDENT and less threatened stance.
7. Try not to leave a situation because of feelings of discomfort or anxiety.
This will only increase your fear of a situation at a higher level and give yourself negative feedback. This can be difficult to do.
It may be helpful to remember that if you suffer from any symptoms of anxiety these are only an exaggerated form of how we all feel from time to time.
They cause discomfort but are not life threatening. Placed in a difficult situation, your symptoms any increase but it will reach a peak and come down again. Try not to be afraid of this feeling and run away from the situation. If you need to, use BREATHING exercises to take control of the situation. If you manage your situation effectively in this way, you will get POSITIVE feedback from the experience resulting in you being less fearful in the future.
Alternatively, PLAN ahead;
Think of what would make you feel more comfortable by REHEARSING the situation in your head. This may alert you to any possible difficulties. It is then your task to generate ways of overcoming these difficulties.
It can be useful to decide beforehand that you are only going to stay somewhere for an hour. Giving yourself a time limit may make it easier for you to relax and stay in a situation .Even if you are enjoying yourself, it still makes sense to leave at the time you promised yourself and when things are going well. This will ensure you achieve POSITIVE feedback.
8. Remember how you felt when you last heard a friend say something POSITIVE about you or when they did something which made you feel appreciated and liked.
Spend less time concentrating on negative thoughts about you. Instead be more focussed on others.
Do or say things to others which will make them feel good. You will in turn get POSITIVE feedback from this boosting your SELF ESTEEM.
Try bringing in your neighbours wheelie bin, buying someone flowers, pay someone a compliment, invite someone to lunch, simply say thank you more often!
9. Put more FUN into your life.eg.
Share a joke .Try recalling something which has made you LAUGH heartily.
Watch a good comedy. Get out some old photographs. It is even better if you can share the experience with a friend. Share the LAUGHTER!
10. Get involved in some type of activity which will raise your CONFIDENCE.
People often resist the suggestion to attend a confidence building class. There is a place for them but it is perhaps not the best or the healthiest option, to put people together with others who have the same difficulty. Instead, try one of the following:
Join a drama, music, art, singing or art class, take up a contact sport, challenge yourself by commencing, rock climbing, canoeing, diving, golf etc.
You will benefit from having set yourself a GOAL or CHALLENGE and by the opportunity to express yourself in a different way.
You will definitely have something new and interesting to talk about.
If you have a family, you may choose an ACTIVITY which you can do together such as cycling .
Dance has the added benefit of being good FUN and brings you into contact with other people. SKIPPING can help increase bone density so is great for all of us over 40.Beware you are more likely to do this on your own. You could however go for a really nice walk somewhere and have your ropes in your pocket.
If you find it difficult to fit EXERCISE into your day:
Try WALKING instead of using transport .If you must drive, park a little way from your place of work. If you take a bus, get off a few stops from where you need to. Use stairs not the lift.
If you have a sedentary job, make a point of getting out of your chair regularly and take a WALK in the building. Have a brisk twenty minute WALK at lunch time. Try to get others ROPED in too!
This will offer opportunity to make a new group of friends. You will have a new shared interest and a sense of camaraderie. You may need to trust and be trusted by others.
You will have the opportunity to give and receive POSITIVE feedback and have
FUN!!!
11. Exercise is useful in enhancing SELF ESTEEM and will also benefit you by lowering your state of arousal. This means that more stress will be required for you to be affected by it. Increased muscle tone can help you feel more confident with how you look. Pick an exercise to meet your specific needs.
12 Stop comparing yourself with others. You will only come out of this disfavourably.
13. Stop judging others. More importantly-Stop judging yourself!
"May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.”
Solcarina
solkarina15.blogspot.com
Learn All of The Twitter Trick's Secrets and Strategies Right Now...
http://cbtopsites.com/s/cadc45
4 you...
masterkey.pdf
Many people enjoy being on their own and would choose this for themselves for at lest part of the time. They enjoy having their own space. They do not feel the need to have other people around all of the time to validate them or make them feel more comfortable.
If someone experiences feelings of LONELINESS; it is usually not influenced solely by where they are or whether other people are around. It is possible to be in a room full of people and still feel very much ALONE. You can be part of a social gathering and feel LONELY as you are on the periphery and not fully involved with what is going on.
This suggests that LONELINESS is a state of mind. It is tied up with how you feel about yourself. When we have a low self esteem, we have a choice about whether to change this or not. The prospect of change can be daunting. The challenge of embracing this is however very worthwhile, with rewards not only in terms of how you feel bout yourself but also in the quality of your life.
The first task in changing our self esteem is to alter the way in which we view ourselves.
1.Instead of bombarding ourselves with an onslaught of negative comments, try to focus on the more positive aspects about yourself. This could include, PHYSICAL, PRACTICAL, PERSONAL, EMOTIONAL, ATTRIBUTES or things you are good at, PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS..
2. Try asking members of your family, colleagues, friends, how they would describe you. This may reveal a number of POSITIVE statements about you which are surprising and / or uplifting. (Note of caution, choose wisely!)
3. Write down POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself
4 .Pay more attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you are aware of these being critical, try challenging them or using THOUGHT STOPPING TECHNIQUES
5. Practise seeing yourself in particular situations when you feel CONFIDENT and good about who you are and the circumstances you are in. you are feeling comfortable. Feedback from others is POSITIVE. People are paying attention to you. You are maintaining good eye contact .Feed as much information into this exercise as possible. Pay attention to your body language and how you converse. Make sure you CHOOSE clothes to make the most of your physical attributes and feel CONFIDENT in them. Do you feel better wearing make up and perfume? Remember how it feels to have a stronger sense of SELF WORTH, to get POSITIVE FEEDBACK from others and from your own reaction.
6. You can proceed to use the lessons learnt from this exercise to go into the situation for real. You can enter it from a more CONFIDENT and less threatened stance.
7. Try not to leave a situation because of feelings of discomfort or anxiety.
This will only increase your fear of a situation at a higher level and give yourself negative feedback. This can be difficult to do.
It may be helpful to remember that if you suffer from any symptoms of anxiety these are only an exaggerated form of how we all feel from time to time.
They cause discomfort but are not life threatening. Placed in a difficult situation, your symptoms any increase but it will reach a peak and come down again. Try not to be afraid of this feeling and run away from the situation. If you need to, use BREATHING exercises to take control of the situation. If you manage your situation effectively in this way, you will get POSITIVE feedback from the experience resulting in you being less fearful in the future.
Alternatively, PLAN ahead;
Think of what would make you feel more comfortable by REHEARSING the situation in your head. This may alert you to any possible difficulties. It is then your task to generate ways of overcoming these difficulties.
It can be useful to decide beforehand that you are only going to stay somewhere for an hour. Giving yourself a time limit may make it easier for you to relax and stay in a situation .Even if you are enjoying yourself, it still makes sense to leave at the time you promised yourself and when things are going well. This will ensure you achieve POSITIVE feedback.
8. Remember how you felt when you last heard a friend say something POSITIVE about you or when they did something which made you feel appreciated and liked.
Spend less time concentrating on negative thoughts about you. Instead be more focussed on others.
Do or say things to others which will make them feel good. You will in turn get POSITIVE feedback from this boosting your SELF ESTEEM.
Try bringing in your neighbours wheelie bin, buying someone flowers, pay someone a compliment, invite someone to lunch, simply say thank you more often!
9. Put more FUN into your life.eg.
Share a joke .Try recalling something which has made you LAUGH heartily.
Watch a good comedy. Get out some old photographs. It is even better if you can share the experience with a friend. Share the LAUGHTER!
10. Get involved in some type of activity which will raise your CONFIDENCE.
People often resist the suggestion to attend a confidence building class. There is a place for them but it is perhaps not the best or the healthiest option, to put people together with others who have the same difficulty. Instead, try one of the following:
Join a drama, music, art, singing or art class, take up a contact sport, challenge yourself by commencing, rock climbing, canoeing, diving, golf etc.
You will benefit from having set yourself a GOAL or CHALLENGE and by the opportunity to express yourself in a different way.
You will definitely have something new and interesting to talk about.
If you have a family, you may choose an ACTIVITY which you can do together such as cycling .
Dance has the added benefit of being good FUN and brings you into contact with other people. SKIPPING can help increase bone density so is great for all of us over 40.Beware you are more likely to do this on your own. You could however go for a really nice walk somewhere and have your ropes in your pocket.
If you find it difficult to fit EXERCISE into your day:
Try WALKING instead of using transport .If you must drive, park a little way from your place of work. If you take a bus, get off a few stops from where you need to. Use stairs not the lift.
If you have a sedentary job, make a point of getting out of your chair regularly and take a WALK in the building. Have a brisk twenty minute WALK at lunch time. Try to get others ROPED in too!
This will offer opportunity to make a new group of friends. You will have a new shared interest and a sense of camaraderie. You may need to trust and be trusted by others.
You will have the opportunity to give and receive POSITIVE feedback and have
FUN!!!
11. Exercise is useful in enhancing SELF ESTEEM and will also benefit you by lowering your state of arousal. This means that more stress will be required for you to be affected by it. Increased muscle tone can help you feel more confident with how you look. Pick an exercise to meet your specific needs.
12 Stop comparing yourself with others. You will only come out of this disfavourably.
13. Stop judging others. More importantly-Stop judging yourself!
"May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.”
Solcarina
solkarina15.blogspot.com
Learn All of The Twitter Trick's Secrets and Strategies Right Now...
http://cbtopsites.com/s/cadc45
4 you...
masterkey.pdf
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Add a Comment
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Comment by Arthur Kendall on May 11, 2009 at 4:52am -
Thank you for taking the time to write this post. Most of us have been lonely at some point in our lives and that is how we recognise the word. How we deal with it is very different from person to person and where we are in our lives.
I am one of those people who enjoys being alone, but I have also been lonely - a feeling brought on by extended periods of isolation in a particular area of life. For example, at university, I had a thriving social life and, particularly when living in France, had an amazing time. But at the same time I felt increasingly lonely by not having someone special with whom to share intimate moments. As it happens, and I know it's a cliché, my stoic response to the situation resulted, when I moved from France to Spain, in me meeting my wife...! I say that because when I met her I had resolved myself to being single and started to enjoy it, and that came across in my relationships with the new people I met in Spain.
So, yes, self-confidence and self-esteem have a lot to do with it. One technique I have found very useful, particularly in professional situations, I learned from Paul McKenna, author of "Change your Life in Seven Days", and very much chimes with your point 5:
Close your eyes and think of an occasion where you felt most loved, most praised, most comfortable. Like a birthday celebration where friends and family have made the effort to come and see you, buy or make a gift and tell you they love you. Think how you felt then. Place your middle finger and thumb together and press firmly. Intensify the memory, the feelings of warmth and happiness. Now imagine a warm colour around the memory. Further intensify the memory, emotions and with it the colour, and press ever firmer as you do so.
Repeat this exercise as often as possible, and try it with other situations - when you made a good sale, completed a piece of work that received praise, etc.
Then, whenever you encounter similar situations, press your middle finger and thumb together and those positive feelings will return, and with it your ability to deal with the situation, because of the knowledge you have that you ARE worth it, capable, loved, etc.
It's amazing how it can transform a situation of nervousness or loneliness and after a while how you behave in these situations starts to change naturally. If you are naturally introvert, like me, you will never be bold, brash, always have the right thing to say at the right time. But you will definitely start to perform better, be happier and even start conversations with random people on the train because you are not afraid of what people will say! That is immensely rewarding.
ArthurKendall.com
Cross-Cultural Communication
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Comment by Maj Gen Inderjit Kashyap on May 11, 2009 at 4:04am -
1. An experience honestly recounted for the benefit of others, thank U indeed, to me this is the foundation of friendship.
2. Friends are the best antidote to lonliness & am sure each one of us have many "good" friends. Reach out to friends when in such a mood & see how quickly & effectively they help U overcome this state, the selfless cocern & the positives they have in them will cover the aura of pessimism/ gloom into bright sunshine & positiveness. With friends the rapport is such that we can open our heart to them unreservedly & that in it self reduces the gloomy mood by over half & the rest the friends will take on their broad shoulders. U in turn will be totally unburdened.
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Comment by Jonathan Bradley on May 11, 2009 at 3:42am -
Dear Solcarina
Lovely post thanks. I see loneliness as a result of mistakes we should, but often don't learn from. These mistakes are normaly judgement based and can be that you realise you are spening time with people you have nothing in common with. Ever been to networking events, parties, nightclubs etc, all full of people and realised that you were was out of place? At School you may have hung round with a group who were in the same boat as you, but on reflection, you didn't really like. Ever had a relationship with someone you realised you were not suited to after the honeymoon period was over, but felt you had invested too much time and effort into it to let go?
If you are really honest with yourself about who you are, what you like and what you want you really have one of two options that you have to take:-
Spend time with people who are like you!
or
If you realise that you hae some character traits that alienate you (and we all do), work on changing them, one at a time.
Best wishes
Jonathan
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Comment by Catherine on May 11, 2009 at 2:50am -
With JESUS in your heart, you will never be lonely. I have experienced dark moments, but with the Love and Light of CHRIST there is always been genuine comfort.
I would ecourage anyone to find a Christian group, or church and get to know others who might be in the same situation.
Sending you Peace and Happiness and the Blessings of an ever Loving JESUS :) :)
Catherine
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Comment by Roxie Boyd on May 10, 2009 at 8:37pm -
Loneliness, as described by Sylvia Brown, (paraphrased) is because we are lonely for the people/spirits we left behind on The Other Side when we came to earth to be in this incarnation. We have a need "to go home", which ends when our physical bodies die and we go home to be with God.
I spent, I mean wasted, many years being lonely (when I was in my late teens and early 20s), I believe it is caused by not being spiritual enough, because when you are spiritual, you do get some of your needs met, depends on the level of spiritually you are at, and where you are headed. When you can enjoy spending time with yourself, getting to know yourself, that is when you can start loving yourself. And when you love yourself, others just seem to flock to you. You have an aura about you.
Sorry about rambling on, hope I made sense.
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Comment by Ron Boto on May 10, 2009 at 7:13pm - I'm pushing close to 60 and I've experienced great feelings of being alone quite often. The reasons for feeling that way are varied but the pit is always the same. But about 14 years ago I stopped trying to run and hide from God and I stopped and asked Him to forgive me and to lead me. It's been an education and toughening process ever since, but I no longer fear being alone because I know I am not.
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Comment by Goran Forssell on May 10, 2009 at 10:11am -
Whereever you live, whichever language you speak... loneliness is to speak a language others don't understand!
As living in a big transarent bottle you see others, the others see you, but?
As to be an alien on a planet..
I fell it quite often this kind of loneliness!
That's because I didn't answer att Solcarinas question for some time.. is reallly unpleasant
May be talk about it could help?
I've just sent a couple of emails to a friend in an other network, Linkedln.. it looks like I speak always... Martian???
May be I do..
:-S
Goran
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Comment by Paulyih on May 10, 2009 at 10:04am - One of ways to alleviate loneliness is to be engaged in "meaningful" projects, as a psychologist with more of my own development in the area of cultural anthropology and multicultural education. I hope my observation is amongst one of the many possible options that I hope I can bring to some possible solutions. I will recommend reading a few books -- for one, Viktor Frankl's Man's search for meaning. Next, follow one 's real search for meaningful projects. At that very same time, inner search as to do one's best revision as to what are the causes -- Yes, there are biological issues as well as there are also cultural and psychological issue. Be honest and be open with some one of trust and with "value". Be open to your sentiments - your fear, your likes and dislikes and hope such "facilitator" can help you to find some of the root causes -- Yes, causes can be all the way back, from childhood to adulthood, about self esteem and with other possible traumas---- traumas that one can have easily blocked, denied or yes, even forgotten. Loneliness is painful and can lead to depression. All and all, with the multiple prongs to deal with this issue --- One of the major change can be -- find some thing that is meaningful and purposeful in life -- and learn to let go of other attachments:) Best of luck .
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Comment by abomoh on May 10, 2009 at 9:16am
- As I think , loneliness is done by a person who feel it. As you said, it's a state of mind. That means you can control your way you are.
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Comment by Broomeboy on May 10, 2009 at 8:26am
- yeh syed stick with the topic man..... its not real estate its loneliness
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