What is LONELINESS? It is not about being on your own.
What is LONELINESS? It is not about being on your own.
Many people enjoy being on their own and would choose this for themselves for at lest part of the time. They enjoy having their own space. They do not feel the need to have other people around all of the time to validate them or make them feel more comfortable.
If someone experiences feelings of LONELINESS; it is usually not influenced solely by where they are or whether other people are around. It is possible to be in a room full of people and still feel very much ALONE. You can be part of a social gathering and feel LONELY as you are on the periphery and not fully involved with what is going on.
This suggests that LONELINESS is a state of mind. It is tied up with how you feel about yourself. When we have a low self esteem, we have a choice about whether to change this or not. The prospect of change can be daunting. The challenge of embracing this is however very worthwhile, with rewards not only in terms of how you feel bout yourself but also in the quality of your life.
The first task in changing our self esteem is to alter the way in which we view ourselves.
1.Instead of bombarding ourselves with an onslaught of negative comments, try to focus on the more positive aspects about yourself. This could include, PHYSICAL, PRACTICAL, PERSONAL, EMOTIONAL, ATTRIBUTES or things you are good at, PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS..
2. Try asking members of your family, colleagues, friends, how they would describe you. This may reveal a number of POSITIVE statements about you which are surprising and / or uplifting. (Note of caution, choose wisely!)
3. Write down POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself
4 .Pay more attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you are aware of these being critical, try challenging them or using THOUGHT STOPPING TECHNIQUES
5. Practise seeing yourself in particular situations when you feel CONFIDENT and good about who you are and the circumstances you are in. you are feeling comfortable. Feedback from others is POSITIVE. People are paying attention to you. You are maintaining good eye contact .Feed as much information into this exercise as possible. Pay attention to your body language and how you converse. Make sure you CHOOSE clothes to make the most of your physical attributes and feel CONFIDENT in them. Do you feel better wearing make up and perfume? Remember how it feels to have a stronger sense of SELF WORTH, to get POSITIVE FEEDBACK from others and from your own reaction.
6. You can proceed to use the lessons learnt from this exercise to go into the situation for real. You can enter it from a more CONFIDENT and less threatened stance.
7. Try not to leave a situation because of feelings of discomfort or anxiety.
This will only increase your fear of a situation at a higher level and give yourself negative feedback. This can be difficult to do.
It may be helpful to remember that if you suffer from any symptoms of anxiety these are only an exaggerated form of how we all feel from time to time.
They cause discomfort but are not life threatening. Placed in a difficult situation, your symptoms any increase but it will reach a peak and come down again. Try not to be afraid of this feeling and run away from the situation. If you need to, use BREATHING exercises to take control of the situation. If you manage your situation effectively in this way, you will get POSITIVE feedback from the experience resulting in you being less fearful in the future.
Alternatively, PLAN ahead;
Think of what would make you feel more comfortable by REHEARSING the situation in your head. This may alert you to any possible difficulties. It is then your task to generate ways of overcoming these difficulties.
It can be useful to decide beforehand that you are only going to stay somewhere for an hour. Giving yourself a time limit may make it easier for you to relax and stay in a situation .Even if you are enjoying yourself, it still makes sense to leave at the time you promised yourself and when things are going well. This will ensure you achieve POSITIVE feedback.
8. Remember how you felt when you last heard a friend say something POSITIVE about you or when they did something which made you feel appreciated and liked.
Spend less time concentrating on negative thoughts about you. Instead be more focussed on others.
Do or say things to others which will make them feel good. You will in turn get POSITIVE feedback from this boosting your SELF ESTEEM.
Try bringing in your neighbours wheelie bin, buying someone flowers, pay someone a compliment, invite someone to lunch, simply say thank you more often!
9. Put more FUN into your life.eg.
Share a joke .Try recalling something which has made you LAUGH heartily.
Watch a good comedy. Get out some old photographs. It is even better if you can share the experience with a friend. Share the LAUGHTER!
10. Get involved in some type of activity which will raise your CONFIDENCE.
People often resist the suggestion to attend a confidence building class. There is a place for them but it is perhaps not the best or the healthiest option, to put people together with others who have the same difficulty. Instead, try one of the following:
Join a drama, music, art, singing or art class, take up a contact sport, challenge yourself by commencing, rock climbing, canoeing, diving, golf etc.
You will benefit from having set yourself a GOAL or CHALLENGE and by the opportunity to express yourself in a different way.
You will definitely have something new and interesting to talk about.
If you have a family, you may choose an ACTIVITY which you can do together such as cycling .
Dance has the added benefit of being good FUN and brings you into contact with other people. SKIPPING can help increase bone density so is great for all of us over 40.Beware you are more likely to do this on your own. You could however go for a really nice walk somewhere and have your ropes in your pocket.
If you find it difficult to fit EXERCISE into your day:
Try WALKING instead of using transport .If you must drive, park a little way from your place of work. If you take a bus, get off a few stops from where you need to. Use stairs not the lift.
If you have a sedentary job, make a point of getting out of your chair regularly and take a WALK in the building. Have a brisk twenty minute WALK at lunch time. Try to get others ROPED in too!
This will offer opportunity to make a new group of friends. You will have a new shared interest and a sense of camaraderie. You may need to trust and be trusted by others.
You will have the opportunity to give and receive POSITIVE feedback and have
FUN!!!
11. Exercise is useful in enhancing SELF ESTEEM and will also benefit you by lowering your state of arousal. This means that more stress will be required for you to be affected by it. Increased muscle tone can help you feel more confident with how you look. Pick an exercise to meet your specific needs.
12 Stop comparing yourself with others. You will only come out of this disfavourably.
13. Stop judging others. More importantly-Stop judging yourself!
"May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.”
Solcarina
solkarina15.blogspot.com
Learn All of The Twitter Trick's Secrets and Strategies Right Now...
http://cbtopsites.com/s/cadc45
4 you...
masterkey.pdf
Many people enjoy being on their own and would choose this for themselves for at lest part of the time. They enjoy having their own space. They do not feel the need to have other people around all of the time to validate them or make them feel more comfortable.
If someone experiences feelings of LONELINESS; it is usually not influenced solely by where they are or whether other people are around. It is possible to be in a room full of people and still feel very much ALONE. You can be part of a social gathering and feel LONELY as you are on the periphery and not fully involved with what is going on.
This suggests that LONELINESS is a state of mind. It is tied up with how you feel about yourself. When we have a low self esteem, we have a choice about whether to change this or not. The prospect of change can be daunting. The challenge of embracing this is however very worthwhile, with rewards not only in terms of how you feel bout yourself but also in the quality of your life.
The first task in changing our self esteem is to alter the way in which we view ourselves.
1.Instead of bombarding ourselves with an onslaught of negative comments, try to focus on the more positive aspects about yourself. This could include, PHYSICAL, PRACTICAL, PERSONAL, EMOTIONAL, ATTRIBUTES or things you are good at, PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS..
2. Try asking members of your family, colleagues, friends, how they would describe you. This may reveal a number of POSITIVE statements about you which are surprising and / or uplifting. (Note of caution, choose wisely!)
3. Write down POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself
4 .Pay more attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you are aware of these being critical, try challenging them or using THOUGHT STOPPING TECHNIQUES
5. Practise seeing yourself in particular situations when you feel CONFIDENT and good about who you are and the circumstances you are in. you are feeling comfortable. Feedback from others is POSITIVE. People are paying attention to you. You are maintaining good eye contact .Feed as much information into this exercise as possible. Pay attention to your body language and how you converse. Make sure you CHOOSE clothes to make the most of your physical attributes and feel CONFIDENT in them. Do you feel better wearing make up and perfume? Remember how it feels to have a stronger sense of SELF WORTH, to get POSITIVE FEEDBACK from others and from your own reaction.
6. You can proceed to use the lessons learnt from this exercise to go into the situation for real. You can enter it from a more CONFIDENT and less threatened stance.
7. Try not to leave a situation because of feelings of discomfort or anxiety.
This will only increase your fear of a situation at a higher level and give yourself negative feedback. This can be difficult to do.
It may be helpful to remember that if you suffer from any symptoms of anxiety these are only an exaggerated form of how we all feel from time to time.
They cause discomfort but are not life threatening. Placed in a difficult situation, your symptoms any increase but it will reach a peak and come down again. Try not to be afraid of this feeling and run away from the situation. If you need to, use BREATHING exercises to take control of the situation. If you manage your situation effectively in this way, you will get POSITIVE feedback from the experience resulting in you being less fearful in the future.
Alternatively, PLAN ahead;
Think of what would make you feel more comfortable by REHEARSING the situation in your head. This may alert you to any possible difficulties. It is then your task to generate ways of overcoming these difficulties.
It can be useful to decide beforehand that you are only going to stay somewhere for an hour. Giving yourself a time limit may make it easier for you to relax and stay in a situation .Even if you are enjoying yourself, it still makes sense to leave at the time you promised yourself and when things are going well. This will ensure you achieve POSITIVE feedback.
8. Remember how you felt when you last heard a friend say something POSITIVE about you or when they did something which made you feel appreciated and liked.
Spend less time concentrating on negative thoughts about you. Instead be more focussed on others.
Do or say things to others which will make them feel good. You will in turn get POSITIVE feedback from this boosting your SELF ESTEEM.
Try bringing in your neighbours wheelie bin, buying someone flowers, pay someone a compliment, invite someone to lunch, simply say thank you more often!
9. Put more FUN into your life.eg.
Share a joke .Try recalling something which has made you LAUGH heartily.
Watch a good comedy. Get out some old photographs. It is even better if you can share the experience with a friend. Share the LAUGHTER!
10. Get involved in some type of activity which will raise your CONFIDENCE.
People often resist the suggestion to attend a confidence building class. There is a place for them but it is perhaps not the best or the healthiest option, to put people together with others who have the same difficulty. Instead, try one of the following:
Join a drama, music, art, singing or art class, take up a contact sport, challenge yourself by commencing, rock climbing, canoeing, diving, golf etc.
You will benefit from having set yourself a GOAL or CHALLENGE and by the opportunity to express yourself in a different way.
You will definitely have something new and interesting to talk about.
If you have a family, you may choose an ACTIVITY which you can do together such as cycling .
Dance has the added benefit of being good FUN and brings you into contact with other people. SKIPPING can help increase bone density so is great for all of us over 40.Beware you are more likely to do this on your own. You could however go for a really nice walk somewhere and have your ropes in your pocket.
If you find it difficult to fit EXERCISE into your day:
Try WALKING instead of using transport .If you must drive, park a little way from your place of work. If you take a bus, get off a few stops from where you need to. Use stairs not the lift.
If you have a sedentary job, make a point of getting out of your chair regularly and take a WALK in the building. Have a brisk twenty minute WALK at lunch time. Try to get others ROPED in too!
This will offer opportunity to make a new group of friends. You will have a new shared interest and a sense of camaraderie. You may need to trust and be trusted by others.
You will have the opportunity to give and receive POSITIVE feedback and have
FUN!!!
11. Exercise is useful in enhancing SELF ESTEEM and will also benefit you by lowering your state of arousal. This means that more stress will be required for you to be affected by it. Increased muscle tone can help you feel more confident with how you look. Pick an exercise to meet your specific needs.
12 Stop comparing yourself with others. You will only come out of this disfavourably.
13. Stop judging others. More importantly-Stop judging yourself!
"May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.”
Solcarina
solkarina15.blogspot.com
Learn All of The Twitter Trick's Secrets and Strategies Right Now...
http://cbtopsites.com/s/cadc45
4 you...
masterkey.pdf
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Add a Comment
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Comment by Carmelyn Calvert on May 9, 2009 at 1:53pm
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When I read this blog two things came to mind. The bible says "One isolating himself seeks his own selfish longing, against all practical wisdom he will break forth" Proverbs 18:1 So we need others to balance our own thoughts and emotions. While I personally feel the need to be alone the vast majority of the time, and I am never lonely, I have thought about this scripture and have realized I need to pay attention to others and kleen from them their wisdom. I am married and my husband is also a person like me. We respect each others need for space.
The other thing I thought about was a scene in an old John Wayne movie, I can't remember the title, but the scene was when he came upon an isolated man running a fairy across a river. The man was an old grouch and stated "I hate ever-body, I only found one person I like and that is me" I think about that sometimes, so I don't become an old grouch also. Don't get me wrong I don't share that opinion of others, I love and respect almost everone I know or at least can see the good in them. Though my husband at times reminds me of that character!!! OOOOPS that's probably more than you want to know!!
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Comment by maureen on May 9, 2009 at 1:44pm -
Ahh Loneliness what is it?
I agree with many of the statements of actions to take to combat low self esteem..they are great tips.
Loneliness is a normal natural part of the human experience. my fave cat disappeared this week Monday morning to be exact. I was noticing her on Saturday as she came to give me company while I was busy creating a new hypnosis session. As usual i let her sit on my lap , but i gently mover her paws when she tries to help me type...
My patience with this routine has become automatic lately, but every now and then when i am focused on putting something new out there and I am stressed putting it together I have less patience, on this day I did. I began to get frustrated with her being in my way...so as I looked down ready to give her a quick good fast rubbing to distract her and fill her with some fast love before i put her down ..i had this almost fleeting thought run threw my mind....wow some day far off in the future you will be gone. and i will miss you so much...and i will be so grateful for the company you have given me over the years.. i know it will be so hard for me to let you go as you have seen me through much and you are such a close part of me. I am so glad I don't have to face that day now, I have too many other pressing things that I just could not bear that pain, at this time in my life...It scared me a little to think of letting go of her someday,in the future.... in that moment I stopped and I took time to thank her for choosing to be my friend, I spoke to her gently about how happy she made me and how lucky I was that she chose me to find and befriend she purred back..two days later she woke at 4 am not her usual time & am she was scratching to do her routine of going out ...she has not been back..
Does any of this have to do with my self esteem, maybe
I am lonely for the friendship i shared with this special being.
My other sweet kitty boy can not fill her spot... after all she and i have history together.
Does any of of this have to do with weather or not I am incomplete in any way. ...maybe..
Grief is a part of life. Knowing this, I will process this loneliness as it comes to visit me
I invite loneliness in for tea. I do this for an allotted amount of time .. I say right now I will contemplate this feeling and allow it to be for 10 minutes .
I ask my loneliness to be here .. It just is.
When i do this i am given the privilege of having a moment to visit the reality of the desperate part of my humble existence. Usually this leads me into the state of becoming aware of the divinity and awe of life, and all it offers on a moment to moment basis. That is directly related to my self esteem. As I allow for it, I see the desperate part of me that longs and desires for my connection to all that is. Loneliness is meaningful in that it calls me to dig deep down and get real about what REALLY matters to me, and what I want to focus my energy on. in order to come closer into integrity with the my actions as I make choices each day to act on desires, wants, wishes, and dreams. This is a great article thank you, it's just what I needed today in staying connected!
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Comment by Andy Rowland on May 9, 2009 at 1:43pm - This is in direct response to your mail.Yes. I agree.Nelson Mandella, a very good example, must have felt lonely but believe that he would have fought this feeling by showing a sense of compassion,belonging and identity with his Captors or Jailors and subsequently the population at large and ever growing movement to free him.It is of course a state of mind..please look at the teachings of his Holiness the Dalai Lama.
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Comment by Hari Kant on May 9, 2009 at 1:22pm
- I am the next, after Mandela.
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Comment by Keith Stieneke on May 9, 2009 at 1:20pm
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You do make some good points. Loneliness for me is when something that was so long a piece of my heart and my daily routine was taken away such as my canine friend Jake who was always there when I was on the computer.
There are times when I want to be alone and other times when I enjoy the company of others. I do have a support group of people whom I hang out with and share ideas and events.
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Comment by Frank Palatnick on May 9, 2009 at 1:19pm -
Honorable Solcarina:
I agree with your concepts of loneliness. It is based on your own life experiences. A person is the sum total of their experiences and the understanding from them. My upbringing was more of a continual engagement with all kinds of individuals from all walks of life. So it is not easy for me to understand loneliness. But I must empathize with people who feel ' left out of society '. I am a UN Advisor of Global Education. And as such I must use compassion and empathy in how I relate to any person. To me, compassion means or can be defined as ' being moved by '. Therefore I can not .....Correction ......I must not let anyone else feel lonely or left out. There is a need to make everyone feel needed. ( Pardon the pun) There is only one exception ...and only one....to being needed to be left alone. That is if it is a religious or philosophical means of getting to your inner self i.e. yoga or praying. To be left alone can be a very dangerous thing also. Psychologists have found that people who are constantly or continually left alone can in the future turn out to be very antisocial to the point of being extremely violent, whether verbal, physical or psychological. For that reason it behooves us as human beings to prevent loneliness. I feel the world might be a better place to live in. To find out a little about me, I would be honored if you would go to
www.iaed.org/global.ed Again....What you have said in your comments is very invigorating and I will remember your concepts.
Peace
Frank P.
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Comment by Yomi Al Juma on May 9, 2009 at 1:05pm -
A wise man is never alone even when he seems to be alone.......
Your thoughts are good especially for who can't go inwardly to relate with many selves that lives within a body.
The time or moment in which is called loneliness is actually a moment that is created by nature for one to look around and make a development in oneself. This moment, high self cuts away the external relationship to give ways for assessment of inner powers so as to re-shuffle the chamber of reasoning and move higher to a new level of life.
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Comment by Arlene on May 9, 2009 at 1:03pm - Loneliness is a state of mind, feeling helplessness when we lost our love one knowing, we will never bring them back to life. Loneliness is a feeling, a missing link to someone we love or not knowing how to love it self. Yes, loneliness is a state of mind. Loneliness is the feeling of not able to grasp the reality of happiness, Therefor, being lost and alone can trigger the loneliness. I will say, it is, what we are feeling from the events of our life.
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Comment by william clements on May 9, 2009 at 12:58pm - Well know one has to be alone. You can turn to your computer, radio, cell phone and more as your friend and can keep people now a days occupied.
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Comment by Ela Nickerson on May 9, 2009 at 12:54pm
- I honestly believe people who feel lonely choose to feel that way. I think you nailed it when you explained that feelings of loneliness stem from low self-esteme. It also is an inability to become invested in other people and be interested in them. This would incourage them to return the favor. The world needs to revolve around them or they are lonely. Getting your heart pumping does help with the depression part of things. I believe to stop loneliness you first have to make a concious decision to do so and pay more attention to other people around you. It's just like smiling. It's hard not to smile back when someone smiles back at you. It's just as hard not to become interested in someone that shows interest in you. The road goes both ways in family situation too. My own mother is a classic example. She always complains about loneliness and yet makes no effort to come see any of her 4 children and their families, all of which would be thrilled to see her. She expects US to go to her despite small children, jobs, etc. while she has no reason NOT to make the drive (2 hours). She never calls us, we have to call her. She never emails us, we have to email her. She chooses to be lonely.
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